I’ve been thinking of writing something for weeks already but I cannot find the right subject for it or even the time to write. Maybe I should write something about the most recent and the most share-worthy.
I found out that I was pregnant again with our second baby last October 13, although I said previously that we don’t want to have another baby just yet, but for me it just sounded so selfish. Selfish at the point where I think Amelia is going to be the happiest when she has a baby brother/sister and I don’t want to give her the happiness of having a company. Actually we’ve been trying for a year now and still no luck. I kept on saying maybe it wasn’t for us just yet, so when we found out about it I was exceedingly happy for my growing family.
I wrote a blog post about it and have scheduled it to go live here on Christmas day! I was so excited, I even started writing down a list of things we would probably need, the things we already have from the first pregnancy and a list of things for my mom and sister to buy for me in Manila that she would have to take with her when Jalen visits us here. I was eating more healthier, my blood sugar all of a sudden is better, all I want to eat is just fruits and salads. Wow, healthy? 😅
Happiness turned into sadness when things took its turn. Yes, we did have a miscarriage. We lost our little bump after 2 weeks, which is unexpected. To exactly what reason? I don’t really know. Maybe the bump is not really for us yet. Maybe it’s just not the right time. Maybe it’s God’s way of saying we should enjoy Amelia more. Or maybe we’ll have more to come? Lol! Rick would probably disagree with the last one. Amelia was even excited, I know she doesn’t understand it just yet but hearing the word “baby” excites her all the time. When Rick and I started telling her that we will have a baby soon, she started talking to my tummy and introducing herself as “ate Lia.” The baby would have been due by the end of June, same birth month as her big sister.
I didn’t talked about how I feel to anyone about losing the baby, not even to my husband or my mom or my sisters. I never spoke a word except letting them know about it. There were times after we had the miscarriage when I feel like a failure. There were also times when I feel relieved for the baby. There were also times when I feel like I don’t want to talk about it. And there were times when I feel like maybe we shouldn’t rush it. It all happened so fast I cannot really absorb it.
I posted this picture of Amelia and daddy talking to my tummy. The caption also says “we will share this with our family and friends in the next couple of months!” but here I am writing down one of the saddest blog post I would have probably written down.
But all is well, we should just keep on trying. Maybe the right time is now? 😊 it’s so uncomfortable to talk about it until now, it wasn’t easy. But it takes so much having a good partner who eases your worries and calms you down and assures you that things are going to be alright.